I was having coffee with a female friend recently and we were talking about sex.. as I do. Without going into the details, I explained that my wife and I were trying out role playing. That it was something that had always intrigued us but that we’d always lacked the courage to try.
It led to an interesting discussion about sexual buckets lists. Those sexual adventures that you kind of, hopefully, want to check off before you die. This friend… she surprised me. She said she had no sexual bucket list. The said that she and her partner had a decent – not amazing – but decent sex life. Sex was something they did every once and a while to be intimate and have a little fun. But they certainly weren’t bringing new excitement or tricks into the bedroom.
I really challenged her on this. Clearly sex is important enough to her to have it somewhat regularly. So, why would you not try to make it as good as possible. By innovating, trying new things, and making sure you are getting as much out of it as possible.
When I probed her, she did have sexual fantasies. But they were ones that required work. She’s fantasized about threesomes. And her husband has wanted to try anal, but the idea always scared the hell out of her.
So we had a good talk – not about how to realize these fantasies, but about whether it was worth trying to. I used the standard arguments around how, in any other aspect of her life, if there is something she thinks she wants, she’s willing to put effort into getting it. Each of these fantasies has some effort required and I suppose some risks. But doesn’t everything in life that is worth having.
It was an interesting discussion. I don’t know if it will change how she acts on these, but I hope she goes for it.