A friend of mine.. 47 years old, decently good looking, very religious, very nervous around women, and a virgin. Yes, he’s a 47 year old virgin. And he is coming to an inflection point in his life where he is questioning whether his lifelong fixation with religion and sexual purity has been a mistake.
In short, at 47 years old he is deciding he wants to start living a ‘normal’ life, with secular friends, sex, a girlfriend (hopefully). But he has no idea where to start. He lacks all of the skill most of us started to clumsily develop in our late teens. He doesn’t know how to speak with women, let along ask them out. And if he was on a date with a woman, he would have absolutely no idea what do talk about or what to do.
So he asked a few friends for advice. I was at a bit of a loss, but did my best to morph that awkward learning process we go through in our teens and twenties into some advice that would be relevant to a 47 year old. Here is what I came up with
- put yourself into many, many situations where you are socially around single women. I suggested he join social and meet-up sites. All cities have them, including the rater large city he lives in
- take up some hobbies that are non-religious in nature. He’s pretty athletic so I suggested some co-ed sports and maybe a book group.
- join a toast masters or some such club that helps coach you on how to present yourself. He’s awkward as Hell and people will perceive that and it will be a little off-putting
- stay away from overtly religious people. He wasn’t happy about this one and maybe its bad advice – religion is the one thing he knows a lot about. But my thinking is that he’s going through a very complicated time with religion. No need to impose that complexity into a relationship that will be inherently complex, to say the least.
- maybe, just maybe, pay for sex for your first time. This also may be bad advice, but he’s got a massive, massive, massive hangup about sex. He’s thought it was sinful all his life. He needs to work this through with a pro I think. I told him he should hire a sex worker, tell him his exact situation, and book a few session to work this through with her. He should be prepared to pay very well and he should be really honest and up front with her.
Its a tough choice he’s made to radically reinvent himself at 47. Any other advice would be, I’m sure, very welcome.