Giving good oral sex is not obvious… at all. While there are some general rules, each person is somewhat unique in what they enjoy in the oral department.
For a guy going down on a girl, you need to figure out (i) how much pressure is just right; (ii) where do they like that pressure.. right on the clitoris, or somewhere around it; (iii) what is the right pacing.. some women enjoy direct pressure right away and other need to build to that; (iv) do they like a finger or two inside or is licking on its own enough (this one is very, very important I have learned); (v) if they like a finger inside, how aggressive do they like it (this varies tremendously from very gentle and massaging to pretty aggressive and thrusting).
For a girl pleasuring a guy, it is just as fraught: (i) how much suctions (more is usually better but thats tricky to maintain); (ii) how much hand action do you add in; (iii) is is straight up and down or twisty; (iv) who fast should you go (guys are all over the map on this from slow/sensual to as fast as your mouth can move speedy-quick; and (v) the amount of focus on the head versus the full shaft.
How to navigate all this variability and uncertainty? Its really tough because, while everyone has their preferences, its incredibly awkward to talk about them. It feels like you’re criticizing your partner… and chances are, while they could do things a bit better, its a pretty damn good experience as is.
So, the solution… you need an pleasure interpreter. This may sound crazy… Invite a good friend into the oral sex event. Their role – to direct you on different techniques to try orally on your partner, in real time. And to get feedback from your partner on what they like more and less. So for example, she may tell you to focus on the shaft exclusively for a few minutes and then ask him what he likes about that. Or she may tell you to go as quickly as you can and see how he responds to that. My theory is that it’s easier for your guy/girl to give this feedback to someone else and it is easier for you to take suggestions from that other person… who is really just acting as the orchestra master for the event. Ot of the session she will have developed a pretty good understanding of what worked for him best and what did not. And you can use this feedback to adapt your style for future oral interactions.
Its kind of like an oral assist.