Is there a trend developing – 30-something women leaving their families to pursue female-female relationships. For the second time in the past month, friends have told me about a daughter of theirs (in their early 30s) leaving their husband and kids to pursue their bisexuality. In both cases the situation was near identical. Happy, stable family. Young kids. Reasonably financial secure. The wife realized she had bisexual learnings… And has decided to leave the marriage and pursue relationships with women.
I am 100% on board with women – and men – embracing their true sexual identity. And I believe/am sure it is 100% natural for all of us to feel desire for others and for many to feel desire for people of the same sex.
But what is unique to our moment in time is how open we can be to this sexual fluidity and desire. This is a good thing, but it comes with a downside. Family stability is a good thing too.
And here is the difficulty as I see it. We’ve traded sexual desire and fluidity as taboo for so long, that we don’t know how to deal with it. All of a sudden its ok to be bisexual and desiring of others, but we’re all too new to the discussion to know how to handle that in a way that keeps the rest of our life in check. Its like an old friend of mine who was never allowed to eat chocolate as a kid. Once she moved out on her own and could have chocolate, she went nuts.
And not to be pejorative, but I think we may be seeing that here. Both of these women… within a month of discovering their bisexuality, they have left their families and are on tinder looking for female partners for hookups and serious relationships.
I dont want to sound like an old white guy. Anyone who’s read me for a while knows I am very liberal and very sexually progressive. But I also value relationships and family. So my advice, for those coming to grips with new found desires or sexual fluidity
- Take a beat. You don’t have to act on desires immediately. There is a wide literature on the benefits of delayed gratification. Engage in that. Take some time to wrap your head around your new desires and how they best fit into the life you want.. considering all aspects of that life you want
- Be creative. Just as its more acceptable now to be bi, it is more acceptable to have open or monogamish relationships. There are many, many options for playing with your sexual desire and fluidity within he bounds of a relationship. Have a threesome, get permission to fools around a little, try swinging.
- The communicative. 2 and 3 really go together. Your sexuality, just like all other parts of the evolving story of who you are, should be open for communications with your partner. Help them be part of the solution.
It a wonderful thing that we are entering an era where we can be who we truly are, sexually. But it comes with responsibility.