There are few things that place more stress on a relationship than a misaligned sexual desire. He always wants it and she never does… or vice versa.
When this is a chronic condition, it has undermined many a relationship; in fact I believe that if you discover early on in a relationship that your libidos are seriously out of synch, you should very seriously consider ending the relationship.
But what if the condition is temporary? What if the two of you generally have similar sexual desire, but for some reasons you are temporarily out of synch.
This temporary misalignment is inevitable in any long term relationship – she has just had a baby, he/she is going through a really stressful period at work, she has a yeast infection; he has been feeling under the weather.
Learning to work through these short or even medium length periods of uneven sexual desire is key to making sure animosity and resentment don’t up and spread into the other aspects and phases of your relationship.
My wife and I have been married for sometime, and have gone through a few of these ‘dry patches’. Here are some things that have kept us satisfied while we were going through them and allowed us to pick up where we left off, sexually, while one of us was out of commission.
Porn is your friend: when one of us is traveling for work or can’t have sex for some other reason, we are very accepting and even encouraging, of the other going downstairs and watching porn. We often make a game of it – come back and tell me the hottest thing you watched or find a movie that we can watch together.
Lend a helping hand – my wife is particularly accommodating when she cannot have sex, or even just does not want to… she will give me a had job or oral and unroll a hot dirty story to help get me off. We do this fairly regularly and it has two effects. First, and most obviously, it feels great for me and is a fine substitute for the sex we normally enjoy. Secondly, it turns her on and makes her anxious for sex we will soon be having.
Chill – My wife and I both think sex is a fun and important part of our relationship. But it isn’t everything. Going a few days, or even a couple of weeks, with little or no sex is really no big deal. Sex, as great as it is, needs to be kept in perspective, especially in the context of along term or lifetime relationship.
Stay tuned tomorrow for some thoughts on what to do if this is a permanent problem.