Bi-curious vs Bisexual – What’s the difference?

A Guest Blog by my Wife:

A girl friend of mine recently got into the lifestyle (that is, she and her husband started swinging). She is very bisexual, and had previously dated both women and men. She came over for a drink the other night, and wanted to share a discovery she’d made through the last couple of months on Adult Friend Finder (AFF) … in a loud stage whisper, she leaned toward me and said “Bi-curious and bisexual … not the same thing. Who knew?”

We had a good laugh over that, and it got me thinking about the difference between bi-curiosity and bisexuality. I’d say bi-curious women can be divided into 3 camps:

Camp 1 – This Feels Naughty and The Guys Like It

The title kind of says it all. These women are open to light experimentation because it feels like they’re doing something taboo, and they love the reaction they get from their men. They’re into kissing and fondling, but have NO interest in going further and never will. I’ve heard this called “Bi for Guy” because it’s all about the reaction. This is not the group my friend is looking for.

Camp 2 – Exploring Uncharted Territory 

This group of women have figured out somehow (let’s be honest … likely through porn) that they’re turned on by women, and want to explore this. As they start to play with other women, they’ll end up figuring out how much they like the experience compared with how much they thought they’d like it. Each person will end up somewhere on a spectrum ranging from “this is okay, but I really don’t want to touch someone else’s pussy, and maybe I’ll stick to fantasizing” to “OMG, women’s bodies are so sexy and this opens up a huge world of possibility and I want to try everything”. Admittedly, this isn’t a very refined spectrum, but you get the idea. This camp really doesn’t know what they’ll find on their journey, but call themselves bi-curious as the entry ticket that allows them explore, experiment, and figure this out. Some of these women would get along very well with my friend; others, not so much.

Camp 3 – Fighting the Label

The third camp are women who are at the far right of the spectrum I talked about in camp 2 (the OMG end), but who still shy away from calling themselves bisexual. They’re not comfortable with this label, and who can blame them … bisexuality still isn’t widely understood, talked about and accepted by society. So accepting this label proclaims that you’re not part of the mainstream, and this can feel uncomfortable for many people. But they love bisexual play in practice. Many women in this camp may one day graduate to calling themselves bisexual, but for now they play it safe and stick with bi-curious, a term that leaves you undeclared. This sub-set of the bi-curious may be tough to find, but are worth looking for!

The good news in all of this is that many women are starting to explore their sexuality, and are recognizing that sexuality is a continuous scale (not just straight or gay). Young people are way ahead in this: a recent YouGov survey (https://today.yougov.com/news/2015/08/20/third-young-americans-exclusively-heterosexual) asking people to place their sexuality on a scale of 0 to 6, where 0 is completely heterosexual and 6 is completely homosexual, found that 29% of millennials placed themselves somewhere other than 0 or 6 on the scale (i.e. indicated they have some degree of bisexuality), compared with only 8% of baby boomers. So while down the road we’ll likely hear the term bi-curious a lot less, for now it’s important to recognize it can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and that’s okay.

So if my friend is looking for a true bisexual experience, she may need to ask a few more questions to figure out what camp the other person is in.

 

Does Your Boyfriend Wear Your Panties?

I had a roommate years ago, when we were talking about sex, ask: ‘when you wear your girlfriends panties, do you ever want to leave them of because they feel so good’.

I had never – ever – worn female panties. When I told him this he was incredulous.  He said everyone does that… its a kinky, sexy thing.  But, clearly, because I never have he simply let it drop.

Fast forward fifteen years… I have some pretty sexually adventurous friends.  So, this afternoon over drinks, I asked them if this was a thing with them.  Did they wear their wives/girlfriends panties.  To this day, I have never, but I assumed that because my old roommate found it so commonplace, that they all would have.

None.

Of the 6 of us – 4 guys and 2 girls.  None had tried such a thing. In fact, they thought it was pretty weird.  And I could tell you stories about these folks.. their bar for sexual weird is pretty damn high.  But none of the guys had worn panties and neither of the girls had had  a boyfriend who did.

So… who’s out of sych here?  Is guys wearing his girlfriend’s panties a thing?

Opposite Sex Friendship – A Tempest in a Teapot?

“Its no big deal.. we’re just friends”.  Is this legit or are they the famous last words uttered two weeks before your wife runs off with her yoga instructor?

Science has confirmed what [paranoid, psychotic, over-protective] spouses have always believes.  Men and women cannot just be friends.  Well, more precisely, male-female friendships are very often underlined with a sexual attraction.

A new study from the University of Wisconsin has confirmed that male-female friendships – always considered an evolutionary anomaly – are wrought with sexual attraction.  Both men and women are apt to view their opposite sex friends with a sense of sexual attraction.  And men and women are prone to think more fondly and highly of their opposite sex friends who are more attractive.

And, the new finding in this study, both men and women feel this at pretty similar levels.  Earlier studies had fond that men tended to lust after their female platonic friends, but women were far less likely to feel the itch for their male buddies.  Turns out no… men and women get the sex goggles for their platonic opposite sex friends at pretty similar levels.

These findings are particularly tricky for me.  For all of my life I have had more close female friends than male friends. I prefer hanging out with women and, while I have never crossed sexual lines with any female platonic friends that would violate rules in my primary relationship, I would be lying if I didn’t say there were a number that I felt attractions to at some level.  And I have definitely allowed attractions to build and for sexual flirtation to become part of the friendship.

And – while I’m not necessarily proud of this – I definitely have a bias in friendship toward attractive women.  My university (male) friends used to tease me about how many good looking women I hung out with as friends.

I guess I have always felt that if you can mix friendship, attraction and a little harmless flirtation… all the better.  But, in retrospect, does that make me a little shallow for this life-long bias I have had toward attractive women? How many good friends have I missed because of this bias?

I’m really happy to have found this study… While I love the friends I have, I’m happy to have this bias (that I know I hold) exposed.  Resolution of the day – go out and find an unattractive male friend!

Playboy is Back – maybe

I wrote a blog last year questioning the wisdom of Playboy magazine’s decision to eliminate nude content — see here.  My point then, and I still believe it – was that Playboy would be a perfectly fine magazine in that format but that it would have a hard time competing with others in that niche – Esquire, GQ, Maxim.

Well.. it turns out I was partially right, partially wrong.  In terms of revenues, apparently the non-nude format has managed to pick up some new advertisers and is expanding its revenue base.  In print media these days this is really a big deal – no one is expanding advertising in print.  So… well done.

But are the customers happy?  Apparently not.  People still feel nostalgic for the ‘old Playboy’.  So much so that Hugh Heffner’s son, a senior executive on the magazine, has said he wants to return to having nude photo spreads.  Current CEO Ben Koen is opposed, fearing he will lose all the new advertisers that refused to purchase space in a nudie magazine. It is apparently shaping up to be a big fight in the Playboy ranks but Hef’s son has promised nude content by next year.

Personally, I like the new Playboy.  The writing is crisp and he articles topical. I actually prefer it to virtually all of its main competitors – Esquire, GQ, Vanity Fair… and its a hundred times better than Maxim and FFM.  Would I like nudity as well? Sure.. but not if it means the magazine would not be viable. And this is where we need to be practical.  It is near impossible to keep a print magazine profitable these days.  If Playboy has found a way to do it by eliminating nude content… they may be well advised to stick with that formula.

Admit It.. You Would Brag About It To Your Friends

Last weekend, concurrently in Hotels in London and Beijing, couples were evicted from their hotel rooms for ‘creating a disturbance’… AKA… being too loud during sex.

In Beijing, things really got out of hand when other hotel guests – being kept up by the loud sex noises coming from one of the rooms – started a minor riot when the guilty/pleasured party refused to keep it down.  The guests were asked to leave the hotel and – in a true victory for justice – the complaining guest was fined 3,000$ for inciting the riot that brought the police there in the first place.

In London, while there was no riot, a couple was evicted from the swanky Lowry Hotel for refusing to keep it down while doing the dirty.

For both of these couples, I’m sure it kind of sucked finding yourself out in the streets at 2am. But admit it, for the story you get… totally worth it!

Getting a Grip on our Views on Sexuality

I was at a dinner party recently and we were talking about the HBO show, Game of Thrones. As soon as it came up, one of the husbands got aggravated and said he hated the show because there was so much gratuitous sexuality and nudity. This led, predictably, to a divide of those who said that the sex was the only reason they watched it and those who thought it went too far.

To each their own. But what struck me is that, while 3 people there had a moderate to high issue with the level of nudity, no one mentioned the gratuitous violence. This is a program where a leading character is explicitly decapitated in the first episode (or near first – can’t remember).

This bothered me. Personally, I am ok with both sex and violence on TV that is intended for adults, but I understand the people who like neither. I do, however, have a bit of a hard time with those who see nudity and sexuality as completely unacceptable, but violence as just fine.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the damage we do to ourselves, our relationships and society by stigmatizing sex in the way that we do. To treat sex as dirty, impure and inappropriate and taboo is to vilify our most basic desire. I will blog more on this in days/weeks to come, but what I want to think through and share is how society could be improved if e turned our views on sexuality and desire on its head and started to treat it as natural and positive instead of evil. I am going to try to be objective and consider the pros and cons, but intuitively, I think we would be far better off. We’ll see.

Hot For Teacher

The internet has once again been broken.. this time by Oksana Nevelselaya, the world’s hottest math teacher. Her Instagram account quickly climbed to 500,000 followers when a video of her teaching on a  tight grey dress started making the rounds.

She’s not the first teacher to receive attention for her looks. We will all likely remember the Beyonce look-a-like who was reprimanded by her school last month for wearing ‘inappropriate’ clothing to school and distracting young male students (the truth is she was merely attractive and curvy.. one of the outfits she was reprimanded for was a t shirt and jeans… pretty basic but she made it look good).

So are there special rules for teachers? Are they not allowed to be sexy? Nevelselaya was certainly doing nothing wrong in the classroom.  There have been no allegations that either of these women were in violation of dress codes for the workplace.  She was wearing a perfectly acceptable dress.. slightly tight but not revealing at all.  I suspect what set off the sensation was that she is absolutely gorgeous and her Instagram feed is full or provocative photos — all taken on her own time.  Similarly, ‘TeacherBae’ was clearly a sexy lady but there is no evidence she was behaving inappropriately toward her students.

Both of these women are being singled out and given negative attention because their wardrobe choice (and their looks) have been opened to the court of public (opinion) and everyone feels they have a stake in how these women present themselves in the classroom.  And I don’t like it.  Teacher Bae would never have been reprimanded if millions of people had not viewed that video (secretly taken) and rushed to public judgment of this woman.

In the interest of political correctness are we waging a war on the right of women to exert their own sexuality? If a woman – be she a teacher, a librarian or a neuro-surgeon wants to dress sexually, is it ok for society to tell her she cannot?