I’ve been recently surprised by the number of people I run into (online or real life) who are finding themselves in sexless marriages.
The reasons are varied — their lives have gotten too busy, their own libido has dried up or they are lacking a connection with their partner that allows them to desire sex.
But the result seems – to me at least – pretty universal. Virtually everyone I meet who is in a sexless marriage, irrespective of the reason, seems to have an unhappiness and malaise with their life. They may not be miserable (some are), but they sure seem to be unhappy and in a rut. This is, of course, a large generalization – that all people in sexless marriages are unhappy – there are exceptions. But, as a generalization, I think it stands.
A close friend recently confided that she no longer has sex with her husband – too busy, not connected…. The usual. I gently tried to hint that, I’ve known her a long time, and have observed that she’s happier when she’s having sex… and when she’s feeling connected to her husband in a way that opens the door to sex. She didn’t disagree… she just seemed unwilling to do anything about it. That surprised me.
Another blog I read recently was a very articulate defence of a woman’s sexless marriage. She said – I believe sincerely – that sex just kind of fell away and that other elements of her life were happy and fulfilling. Be that as it may, I still felt a sense of sadness that she was missing that intimacy (and fun) that comes with sex in a relationship.
Most often, it seems, that the sexlessness is a symptom of other things in their life – unfulfilling relationship, overly busy life, health issues. What bothers me, though, is the general level of acceptance. Of all the people I meet in sexless marriages, few seem keen to do much about it. Most seem to have accepted their lot in life and are doing little to address either the symptoms (sexlessness) or the underlying causes.
This makes me sad – the acceptance of sexlessness. We have one shot life… I’d hate to go through a big chunk of mine less happy than I could be.