I have long believed that a secret to a happy, enduring relationship is having the ability (and the desire) to seek new adventures together. These adventures may run the gambit from travel to enjoying the company of new people to sexual exploits in and out of the bedroom.
So.. in the bedroom… as we get [a little bit] older, it becomes pretty easy to fall into patterns. The same foreplay every time, the standard set of sexual positions… It can be a little routine. Anyone who reads my blog knows that my wife and I work hard to make sure this does not happen to us, but the reality is that this requires work and creativity. So, imagine my pleasant surprise when, 15 years into our relationship my wife realizes that something that, in the past, did not interest her in the least, is not her new favourite thing. She really (really!!) enjoys being retrained.
Upon the discovery (which is an interesting story in and of itself… but a story for another day), we got a high quality set of bed restraints and have been experimenting with this new mini-fetish she has acquired. A few things we are discovering
- the loss of control can be a complete aphrodisiac… especially if, like my wife, your professional life is full or responsibility and leadership functions
- allowing yourself to be pleasured while not giving back (at the time) can be a real indulgence. It took a while for my wife to get her head around the fact that she could just be there – tied up – and be pleasured. In those moments there is nothing she has to go to reciprocate the pleasure-giving.
- restraint play is not necessarily BDSM play. While she loves the feeling of being restrained, she does not like other elements of typical BDSM play…. she does not enjoy pain for instance. I have had to experiment a fair bit with what types of stimulation she enjoys while retrained.. she liked some light spanking, for example, but not enough to cause pain or redness.
- mistakes will be made and must be quickly forgiven. I will admit that, many times, we have tried things that simply didn’t work.. either a little too much pressure, not a great position… When one partner is retrained, it becomes super important to know how to give and receive feedback on whether what you are doing in the moment works for them. A very common error when you have someone restrained is to ‘go a little too hard’. You need to get very good at modifying your play seamlessly when something isn’t working.. you want to be able to stop doing the uncomfortable thing and move onto to something pleasurable with our killing the mood that has been created.
I love the fact that we have added this dimension to our sex lives, Frankly, it is something I never gave much thought to before. Fortunately a very good online friend and a very good in-person friend have been slowly opening my/our eyes to how much fun you can have with this type of play. Brave new world…
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