Mis-matched libidos are a hot topic. We can thank ‘F26‘and her husband’s spreadsheet in which he meticulously recorded his wife’s reasons fro rejecting his sexual advances 27 out of 30 attempts over a 45 day period.
As most will have read elsewhere, F26’s husband kept an Excel spreadsheet, in which he tracked the date of each sexual advance he made, whether he was successful or not, and the reason given by his wife each time he was not – “I’m watching a TV show”; “I feel sweaty”; “I need a shower”; “I not feeling good”.
Obviously this guy’s a bit of an asshole – keeping the spreadsheet and shoving it in her face.
But the fact remains… their desire for sex was seriously out of whack. He wanted it 30 times in 45 days. She wanted it (or acquiesced) 3 times. For whatever the reasons, these two people had become seriously sexually incompatible. And it was important to them. It was a big enough deal for him that he kept the ridiculous spreadsheet. It become a big enough deal for her that she published it on Reddit.
Yet is was never important enough for either of them to have a grown up conversation about it.
So, if you find yourself in a relationship that you feel you want to – or need to – stay in but where sexual desire is seriously out of synch:
step back and look at your relationship: As Oscar Wilde famously said “Everything is about sex… except sex. Sex is about power”. Not having sex or not wanting sex is often a symptom of something else that is wrong in your relationship. Consider whether there are crack – resentment, lack of shared interests, poor communications unhappiness at work – that may be displaying themselves as lack of desire to have sex together.
step even further back and look at yourself – in the above example, I found it interesting how often F26’s reasons for not wanting sex had to do with her feeling gross, or sweaty or full. Having good sex starts with feeling good about yourself. It is really hard to be sexy if you don’t feel good about yourself – physically and mentally. Start to think about what you need to do to feel good about yourself – it might be de-stressing your life, losing a little weight, improving your diet, or even reading some interesting magazine so you feel more interesting.
make nice.. compromise: for God’s sake, throw the dog a bone – or throw his bone a some doggie-style. Even if you are not totally up for it, let yourself be convinced. Honestly, if your partner wants sex, can you honestly not take 20 minutes out of your day and give it to him/her? At best, you may get into and have a good time. At worst, its 20 minutes…. honestly you have spent 20 minutes doing less desirable and honorable things than giving some pleasure to your partner. But then again.. see point one… everything is about sex except sex – sex is about power.
maybe… get out: Sex is important. And you deserve the sex you want. Subject to other responsibilities you have as a couple (eg. kids), it is perfectly valid to break up if you can’t get your sexual desires in synch with one another – especially when it is spilling over and affecting other element of your relationship.
But one warning…. don’t keep track of it on an Excel Spreadsheet.