Is there any bigger libido killer than feeling that you are disappointing your sexual partner?
I was chatting with a friend last night about the dismal sexual drought she is going through with her husband. For the last couple years they have had sex infrequently, and increasingly, the few times they do have sex are unsatisfying. And not necessarily for the reasons you would think. She said that when they finally carve out time for sex, they have such a sense of expectation, that if its not off-the-charts multi-orgasmic, its is disappointing. She said they both place so much pressure on the other to enjoy the experience so fully that they both have a lousy time.
Science backs this up. A study at the University of Kent found that women who perceive that their sexual partner is imposing a standard of sexual perfection on them will suffer low self esteem and enjoy sex less.
So what does this mean, practically:
- don’t make your partners orgasm (or orgasms) your ultimate goal. There is little that creates more pressure than constantly asking ‘did you cum? are you getting close?’. Or even worse, cheerleading them on ‘I want to see a great big orgasm’. Do all the things that make them feel good and just allow the orgasm to happen (or not);
- don’t constantly ask your partner if the sex is good for them… or if it feels good or if x, y or z makes them hot. This can take them out of the moment they are enjoying;
- allow mediocre sex to be ok… its still better than spending an eventing watching Seinfeld reruns.