It’s Saturday night. You have a big choice. Do you go to that same, reliable Italian restaurant you’ve been to every Saturday night for the last two years? Or do you shake it up? Try a new, unexplored, unknown restaurant. It may blow your socks off, or it might leave you hungry and unsatisfied.
Ok. I’m not taking about restaurants. I’m talking about sex. Are you keeping your sex life interesting? Trying new things? Allowing yourself to have some new hits? Or some new failures?
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now (won’t say how many, but more than 10, less than 20). For the first few years, our sex lives were pretty predicable. Great but predictable. Just the opportunity to have frequent sex was awesome and we loved it. We didn’t really know that there was more.
More recently, we’ve gotten more varied. We’ve tried new things. Most we’ve loved, but some we haven’t. And that’s been fine. The experiments we’ve loved, we keep doing. The one’s we didn’t like.. they were a one time thing.
A few of the things we learned
- watching porn together can be fun, especially on evenings when you feel like sex, but don’t want to muster a lot of effort (i.e. its been a ling day but you really want to get off… together)
- new positions – this is pretty standard advice. There are dozens (at least) of sexual positions, yet couples tend to rely on 2 or 3. I find this to be a tough one. We’ve expanded our ‘repertoire’ to about 8 or 10 poisons we like. But, having tried dozens more (we got out an old kama sutra book not too long ago) we were forced to conclude that a bunch of the crazier positions just didn’t do much for us. My advice, for what its worth, is to try as many positions as possible, but don’t feel badly if there are a bunch you don’t enjoy. There is a reason that missionary, doggy and cowgirl are so popular.embracing our (very natural) attraction to other people has been great for our sex lives. My wife and I are fully open about fantasies we have about others. We’ve brought those fantasies into our own sex lives and its been a blast. I won’t share the details, but being honest about having sexual feelings for others, but in a way that doesn’t compromise the security of your own relationship is really awesome for your sex lives. It plays out differently for different people – from sharing fantasies, to threesomes, to partner swapping. All can be good fun, depending on what it takes for you to hit a balance between sexually intriguing and security within your relationship
- seeking sexual adventures together. We love going for a ‘date’ at a strip club. We find it really titilating to watch the dancers, get a lap dance, build up the sexual energy over the course of the evening, and then go home and have amazing sex together
So, how to open these possibilities up? Go to a nice restaurant, have a bottle of wine, and have an open fun discussion on how you can open up your sexual experiences. My wife and I, at least a few times a year, do a really deliberate check in on how we can make our sex lives as good as can be. No judgment, no negativity. It is simply what we would like to try or do more (or less) of. It is fine for either partner to say no to new interests… but everything and anything is on the table. These discussions have led to some great new adventures (and some not so great… but never a regret)