Even for the most sexually adventurous there is, for most of us, some things ‘in the bedroom’ that we just won’t touch. No matter how wild you consider yourself, or how willing to please – GGG – there are certain sexual acts or activities that we just can’t bring ourselves to performing. For some, its anal or watersports… for others, it may be as innocuous as sex with the lights on or doggy style.
So if you have any of these no-go activities should you try to get past them?
I would suggest asking yourself 3 things:
1. How averse to it are you? Really?
I had a buddy once whose wife would not swallow and, for whatever reason, this was his biggest fantasy. Like a good friend, I agreed to bring it up with her – hey, I’m good at these conversations. Her reasoning was pretty flimsy. She thought it would be slimy and gross. She’s never had a traumatic experience involving seamen; in fact she’d never even had it in her mouth. She just thought it would be gross. Yet, she ate her mother’s creamed corn out of a sense of daughterly duty. I asked her if having something a little bit gross in her mouth for maybe 5 seconds was worth it to fulfill her husband’s life long fantasy. And bada-bing-bada-bang, she’s now a swallower. Not often and not with zest, but she does it.
I have another female friend who is absolutely terrified of anal sex. She had tried it once some jackass she dated in university and he almost split her in two. Even though she knows that millions of people have perfectly enjoyable anal sex and that, with proper preparation and lubrication, she probably could to – she is positive that her sphincter is not freakishly tiny. But the mere thought of it brings her close to tears. For her, I am convinced, the cost of her giving anal to her partner exceeds any possible enjoyment he could derive from it
2. Why does your partner want it?
Another friend’s husband really likes BDSM. Funnily, she likes it quite a bit too. But not with him. While he’s a great guy in many ways, the BDSM play brings out some past insecurities in a way that she really doesn’t like to see. For him, BDSM is a way to deal with a past time when he had little confidence and less power; it is kind of release of deep buried insecurities. For her, it is equally sad and scary. Seeing him in BDSM play actually makes her dislike him and makes her worry how caught up in the fantasy he gets. For her, I give her a pass on BDSM. As an aside, I have suggested to her that she encourage him to see a professional dominatrix to help him work through his past shit. She declined.
3. When in doubt, say yes
Most of the time, our reasons for not wanting to try new things sexually are bullshit. We try new things all the time at work, as hobbies, with our kids… but for some reason, new sexual stuff is seen as scarier. And the bar for “just giving it a try” is set much higher.
Personally, at the request of a partner I’ve tried
anal – didn’t do much for either of us
– role play – I was awful but think we both would have really liked it if I was better at it
dirty talk – I’m really good at it and loved it
watersports – little surprised I kind of liked it (still processing that)
And a whole bunch of other stuff that I liked and disliked to varying degrees.
So, next time your asked – to be tied up, to be peed on, to talk like his 5th grade spanish teacher… give it try. You might like it. And if you don’t – Hell, its 45 minutes that you give up where you’d likely have been watching old Friends reruns.