What do you think of when you hear the word ‘swingers’? Is your image positive or negative?
I was corresponding with another blogger – hotlady1965 (https://hotladysite.wordpress.com) – about the swinging lifestyle. She blogs to raise awareness about swinging and, I think, to help us understand that swingers are good, ‘normal’, moral, fun people. I know many swingers and I couldn’t agree more. In my experience, swingers are the friendliest, most outgoing, fun, non-judging group pf people I have ever met. They are some of my favourite folks.
But why are they so scary to some (or at least, so harshly judged).
In many ways, swingers are very much like any other group of people – they love they kids and talk about their families with the same level of emotion as anyone else, they discuss their jobs, their beliefs (which are shocking similar to non-swingers) and other aspects of their lives. One of the few academic studies done on swinging confirmed that swingers tended to be pretty similar to the general population; they tended to screw toward professional occupations, middle to upper middle range salaries, slightly right of centre/conservative in political belief. In my experience, this is pretty close to accurate. But, my point here — swingers are just like us.
But in some ways swingers are different. They embrace pleasure in a way that most don’t and they place a day-to-day emphasis on fun that far exceeds the general population. It would be fascinating to study, but my strong suspicion would be that swingers (i) travel for pleasure at rates far higher than the general population; (ii) would rate their personal happiness higher than the general populations and (iii) would rate their relationship satisfaction higher than the general population.
Oh… and they are different in one other way… they have sex with other people outside their relationship. Wait, lots of people do this… they are different in that they have sex with other people outside their relationship with the full consent of their partners.
So I think two things are going on in the harsh judgment ‘vanilla’ society places on swingers:
1. The obvious – sexual moralization and the fear of sexual expression and sexual expansion. I made up that last term, so let me explain. By fearing sexual expression, I mean that, as a society, we are taught that sex is not to be discussed; the openness with which swingers treat sex in their life is seen as ‘wrong’. By sexual expansion (the one I made up) I mean we hugely fear anything that risks expanding sexual deviance into the lives of others: so, while any sexual deviance is suspect, the most feared sexual deviances are the ones that could propagate. For swingers, I believe that one of the main reasons people have such a negative impression of them is that they fear that their lifestyle is ‘contagious’. The way that swingers admit to having sexual attraction to others makes non-swingers feel threatened – what if they’re after my ‘wife’.
2. Jeolousy – Swingers have a lot of fun and the spend a lot of time having a lot of fun. To some, this seems irresponsible – I think it irks their protestant upbringing to see ‘adult’ place so much emphasis on pleasure. For others, I think they are truly envious that they cannot have that open sexual expression in their relationships; so they react with loathing.
What are your thoughts:
– why the fear and loathing directed at swingers?
– do you know any swingers? what are they like?
– whether swinging is right for you or not, what do you think if it and those that partake?
I really enjoyed your post about swingers. I think it is a topic many people want to read about. I try not to be judgmental towards others that have different beliefs than my own. Personally, I don’t think the swinger lifestyle is right for me. I’m a religious person and want to stick to those beliefs. But with religion aside, I think I would have a hard time being a swinger because I’m a jealous person. If my partner were to sexually partake with another person, I would be jealous of the other person. I think there is a lot of fear directed at swingers because people are not knowledgeable about it. I personally don’t know any swingers.
Thanks for the very thoughtful comment. I think swinging is not appropriate for many people, and the notion of sexual exclusivity is completely legitimate and the right choice for many. I do really appreciate your ability to see, however, that others have the right to different beliefs and choices. Excellent comments – thanks
I read an article some time ago (like over a year) that talked about the idea of “negotiated infidelity.” I’ve always liked this idea, although I’m not quite sure if it’s officially “swinging” or not. Of course, that probably comes from idea of what the term swinging means. Swinging brings up mental pictures of sex parties and wife swapping, and that does seem a little extreme for my personal taste. I do have friends in the Polyamorous community, so I don’t force my personal taste on others…
For me, though, the idea of an agreement between partners about what constitutes emotional cheating while allowing for an open sexual relationship. For instance, one partner considered intimacy (kissing/snuggling) as emotional cheating and therefor off-limits for when her partner was out with another sex partner, while he understood that she needed those as part of a sexual experience, so she could kiss and snuggle but couldn’t wear any gifts from him.
The article really stuck with me, and many of my friends don’t agree with me. They think that it should be possible to limit one’s love/sex to one partner. For always. While I have never stepped outside of a relationship, I wouldn’t be opposed to my partner doing so given a set of parameters like in the article I read oh so long ago.
I think the biggest reason for the fear isn’t just the fear of the sexual deviance, but the assumption that sex and love are inherently connected, and therefor having sex outside of a relationship somehow damages the love bond between partners.
You definitely hit on something, though, about the fear that swingers would go after the partners of people in a “healthy” non-swinging relationships. It’s similar to the fear that homophobics have that someone who is interested in the same sex is automatically going to be interested in them and thus hit on them. That is a very egocentric way of looking at things.
Excellent comments. I think you are correct in saying that the relationship between sex and love is a key difference between people in the lifestyle and those who are not. I don’t think there is a right answer either way but I respect where anyone comes down on that as long as they don’t impute their views to others
Can I just say, the book, Divine Sex is a great read on what happened to sexuality. It was promoted in the Bible, but the powers that be tried to repress us…and they did a fairly good job. A lot of what we think is immoral or wrong sexually….does not even have a word or definition in the Greek or Hebrew. Sorry we were missionaries and what the Bible says really guides me. I don’t believe what we do is wrong because of the research and geeze look at all the Bible leaders, they had a wealth of sexual relations and were not condemned. It is your motive…are you trying to steal,hurt, cheat? that is wrong…but if all is open and intended to bring pleasure to your partner…that is not
Reblogged this on Confessions of a sexually repressed woman and commented:
I’ll add my thoughts to this
I’m re reading this and you hit the nail on the head. Very well said. The fear is that we are contagious that we are predatory that we are out to steal your person. That is a huge no no. Not that it does not happen, but that is not the point of being a “swinger” I never thought this was a road a would go down, but do not look back and want to be “normal” again. That is just plain boring and I love the excitement and fun of going out, flirting and get togethers, being naked in a hot tub, going home and having fun with hubby, taking 4 week long vacations a year (plus some long weekends in between) and dressing sexy. It keeps us young.
Eros is a powerful force and having guidelines is important but all too often these have become straight jackets that stifle us from incorporating the erotic into our lives in reponsible, healthy, and creative ways. I think it is rare that one person can meet all of our needs and interests, including erotic, yet that is the fallacy that society and church teach us, and which most people fully accept in spite of high level divorce rates. As a gay man, I have also seen the harm that comes from straight identified men not being abke to incorporate some homoerotic expressions into their own lives. There is a lot of work to be done in allowing people to be more open about their erotic needs and to express them in a responsible and loving way. Thanks for raising these issues!
I very much agree. Feeling shame around sexual desire and, therefore, repressing it is a recipe for eventual disaster
An interesting and absorbing read. I’m in my eighth decade and am so totally committed to my wife of too few years that I’m fully occupied by our joint emotions.
Cool
You liked my blog post and this subject line caught my attention. According to society I am a slut. Fuck them and their judgmental crap. I have ads on craigslist all the time. I also read the ads. It’s full of married men looking for other women and other men. There are more m4m ads than m4w ads!!!
I met a man last fall that if we had been able to be together from now on, I would be in a swinging relationship with. There’s so much to explore. My rule would be male or female, as long as I’m in the room too. No one on one.
I like that approach… and women embracing their sexuality is great. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, but if not, The Ethical Slut is a great book – it is encouraging women to redefine the term slut in a positive context
We’re born needing our immediate needs met by a caregiver and I don’t think that ever goes away.. it just evolves into needing sexual needs met by a partner or by a few partners… I used to believe swingers were sluts and I never would have admitted how turned on I was by it. I read recently that humans are not evolved to be monogamous. imagine a society where people freely expressed sexual desire without fear or shame. Would a sexually satisfied individual ever have a need to start a war? 🤷🏼♀️
I think that’s an excellent observation – would a sexually satisfied person ever start a war? I strongly doubt it. And, as is likely clear in my writing, I love swingers. I love many monogamists too. In my mind/research while monogamy is not natural (evolutionarily-wise), it can be a very useful social construct for maintaining stability. While I love the swinging lifestyle, I know many, many people who are far better off with monogamy.
Yes! And i certainly wasn’t knocking monogamy. I’m monogamous for now 🙂