Sexual advice guru Dan Savage famously said that everything that can be imagined by the human mind can be sexually fetishized by the human mind.
A quick search of the internet will uncover the wildest, most alluring, most offensive, most wonderful and most awful depictions of sexual creativity and depravity any of us can imagine. There are men who like to ride women as ponies; those to get off to the popping of balloons; those who will shove any object imaginable into their asses or vaginas – from a massive eggplant to a miniscule toy soldier.
So, how do we cope with discovering links we have that seem a little – or a lot – ‘out there’? I’ve discovered a few new kinks lately. Some are pretty garden-variety kinks while others would be considered a little more rare or extreme. And I’ve grappled with how to deal with them myself and how to share them with sexual partners.
A few tips:
- Role them out slowly. While I’s a strong believer in sexual openness, we still have to be mindful that sex is a loaded topic. And particular kinks can be – often unfairly – perceived as giving some negative insights into your character. Despite conclusive evidence to the contrary, individuals who engage in BDSM play are no more like to be violent in ‘real life’. But still, before you tell a play partner you want to smack her around, you need to be sure that this is a safe and sane interest on your part. Similarly, the gang bang fantasy you like your partner to tell you stories about does not necessarily mean you wants to be tag teamed by 10 guys. Then again it may, and there is nothing wrong with that you just need to manage the reaction and expectation.
- Allow your kinks to evolve. There are sexual acts that I absolutely adore now that would have sent a chill down my spine only a couple of years ago. While I don’t consider myself a particularly kinky guy, there are things I’ve come to love that would be a little off the wall to my former self. It has not always been easy for me to keep my mind open to my new interests, but doing so has allowed me to grow tremendously – and accommodate my partners’ new interests as they come up.
- Keep your kinks in perspective. This is not a common view amongst kinksters, but I believe that for most of our kinks they are ‘nice-to-haves’. For everyone in my sexual life, from my wife to a few friends, I would consider their ability to accommodate my kinks to be a very secondary attribute to their being able to be a fun, loving and sexy partner. More simply put, when my wife (or friend) is not into one of my kinks, I’m fine to let that kink drop, for the time being or forever;
- Different strokes for different folks. This is not for everyone, but if you find yourself in a position to make an open or monogomish relationship, looks for ways that different people in your sexual life will be willing to explore different kinks with you. And, very importantly, make sure your primary partner (if you have one), sees your exploration of certain kinks with others as a real positive, not a threat.
It’s a sexy world out there… explore it.