We all want a fulfilling sex life. This means different things to different people, but it usually involved some level of variety, some level of experimentation or kink, and some level of stability – usually with a primary partner.
As I have tried to maintain a fun, healthy and fulfilling sex life within the bounds of a committed marriage, I feel I’ve learned a few things about how to explore my sexuality in an ethical way. So, a few tips:
1. Be Honest About Your Desires – whether you want to try something kinky, experiment with bisexuality or lust after someone other than your primary partner, you need to get to a place where you can be honest with yourself and your primary sexual partner about what you want. Begin honest and open about your desires does not guarantee they will all be fulfilled, but it does open the possibility of them being fulfilled in an honest and ethical way. If you can’t confide in your partner, there is no way you’ll get to a place where your fantasies are realized… or if you do get to that place. you”ll be doing behind your partner’s back.
2. Have Rules – If you have a primary partner or spouse, have agreed upon rules on the extent to which, and how, your fantasies can be realized. Whether its trying out new sex techniques with your partner or tipping your toes in the swinging lifestyle, make sure you and your partner are on the same page on what is allowed. It is easy to get caught up in the moment and go further than you are comfortable with, especially if you are not clear on your boundaries.
3. Renegotiate your boundaries. My wife and I have always had an agreement that, in the heat of the moment, we will not go further than we had agreed, but that we would always be able to reinitiate limits after the fact, to be applied next time. We had an experience recently where we were made out with a single friend.. Both my wife and I had fantasies about playing sexually with her and we knew she was interested but had never done anything like that before. Therefore, we decided that if the situation ever arose where we were playing sexually, we would go no further than making out and touching. There were many reasons for this involving both what we thought she could handle and what we were comfortable with, given that she is a good friend. So, the situation did arise and we found ourselves at our place making out on the sofa. She wanted to go further (either watch my wife and I have sex or she have sex with my wife. It was very tempting, but we had to politely say no. After the fact out of the heat of the moment, we have spoken (my wife and i with each other than then with her) about going further if the opportunity arises again, but I strongly believe that we made the right call limiting things that first time because we had good reasons for setting those limits.
4. If you have to lie, its probably unethical. If you’ve done the right things – been honest about your fantasies and negotiated your limits – you should be able to be honest about what you have done or are doing to realize on them. If you find yourself lying, you;re probably acting ins way that you (deep down) consider unethical.
5. It’s not just about you (or you two). This is probably the most overlooked aspect of sexually ethical behaviour. It is not enough to just be respectful toward your partner. Anyone involved in your sexual life deserves to be treated ethically and with respect. Whether it is a stripper giving you a lap dance or a dominatrix helping you explore BDSM, you need to treat them with the respect you would any other ‘partner’ in your life. In the example I gave above, about my wife and I placing limits on how far we would go with another women… in all honesty, we would have been fine (and enjoyed) going further. We set those limits because it was her first experience with another woman and another couple and we felt it was in her interest to go slowly. We knew, from discussions with her, that she wanted to go slow. We also knew, form experience, that you don;t always act rationally in the heat of the moment. In the throws of passion, she sincerely wanted to have sex with us. But, in our minds, that would have been disrespectful. The next day, she was very happy we stopped where we did.
So, what do you think it takes to be sexually ethical?