Sometimes sex just isn’t on the table. The reasons are many and known – tired, not in the mood, not feeling well. But the solutions to this bear discussion. All too often the response to temporarily mis-matched desire for sex is frustration and a little bitterness . And the more often one partner is refused, the more each of these things builds.
Life any couple, we have periods where our sexual desire (or ability) don’t line up. Here is what we do:
- Make masturbation a fun and open option – masturbation can, and should, be a positive part of a sexual relationship. When I can’t have sex with my wife (or she can’t with me; although this is more rare except during periods of work travel), we see masturbation as a key and positive part of evening out our sexual desire. Don’t just rub one out to alleviate the pent up energy… make an evening of it. Find a good movie or erotic novel or magazine (do they still make magazines?) and enjoy it.
- Be generous with your hands or mouth. When you’re not in the mood or temporarily incapacitated, giving your partner a hand job or a lick probably isn’t what you most feel like. But, hey, we often do things we don’t really feel like (we folded 4 baskets of laundry after the kids went to bed last night). Helping your partner out with a blow job, a hand job or recounting a dirty story will be super appreciated and, honestly, its not that huge an inconvenience.
- If the sexual desire imbalance becomes more permanent, consider opening up the relationship. This is a tough one for many, but getting some (safe and consensual) sex outside of your relationship may be the best thing for your relationship. Lack of sexual compatibility is one of the most cited reasons for divorce… and (in my mind at least) there is nothing sadder than tearing apart an otherwise great relationship over a sexual incompatibility that can be fixed.