A Little Sexy Spice for the Holidays

I blogged recently on keeping your sex life a priority during the bust holiday season.  In that spirit I wanted to share an experience my wife and I had last year that created a fun and sexy memory for us.

We were in the height of holiday seasons mayhem.   We had just dropped the kids at a birthday party (who does December birthday parties?!?!?) and where frantically catching up on our Christmas shopping.  On or way to the next stop, we drove by a massage parlour that we had gone to occasionally for couple’s erotic massages.

Erotic massages are something we do very occasionally… kind of like a light threesome.  Usually when we do it, it is a date night, planned well in addable.  This time, we just drove by but the location clearly registered for both of us. Half a mile later, my wife looked at me and said ‘lets go back’.  Even though there were 50 things we needed to get gone during the three hours we had while the kids were at a birthday party, I did not hesitate.

An hour later, we had a happy, sexy glow that we knew would see us through the family-intensive holiday season.  Sure, we didn’t get all our shopping done that afternoon.  But SO WORTH IT!

3 Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Sexy

We can all fall into ruts.  Day-to-day life gets busy and we start to ignore the important, in favour of the transactional.  And what suffers… your relationships and you intimacy.

So, especially as we find ourselves approaching the hectic holiday season, here are a few tips to make sure you are prioritizing keeping your relationship hot and sexy.

  1. Initiate, initiate, initiate… especially if you are not normally the one that initiates sex. It is easy to simply not get around to having sex, and when you are busy sometimes you hardly notice.  Well, you hardly notice, until two weeks have passed and you’re feeling edgy and irritable because you haven’t been intimate with your partner in a fortnight.  There is nothing sexier and reaffirming than when your partner shows that they want you… and this is never more true than during those hectic times.
  2. Not just a quickie.  When you’re feeling stressed, a quick roll in the hay (or hand job before lights out) is all well and good. But it really doesn’t satisfy the hunger.  Even if you’re busy, make time for a prolonged session or intimacy where you pull out all the stops.  Play a sexy boardgames (if you’re geeky… like me), get out your fetish gear (if you’re kinky), get a couples erotic massage (if you’re into that, and its legal where you live).  Do whatever it takes to have quality sex… these moments are the ones you will remember when the dust settles and the business of the seasons subsides
  3. Keep sex in perspective.  As important as it is to fit in sex.. both the quick and dirty and the prolonged and soulful… recognize that busy times sometimes come with a little less sex than would be your optimal. Don’t allow this unfortunate reality to create tension in your life or relationship.

Stay Sexy!

When Is Non-Monogamy Ethical AND Wise

Ethical non-monogamy has been all the rage lately – couples finding ways to consensually introduce a little spice and variety into there sex lives.

I know many couples, us included, who have gone down that path to varying degrees.  For some it is an occasional threesome; for others it is swinging at lifestyle parties every weekend.

Whatever form your ethical non-monogamy takes, I think it is interesting to consider under what circumstances it may be wise to have that discussion with your partner where you decide to open things up a bit.

At a broad level, I think there are two circumstances were ethical non-monogamy is a good move. Spoiler alter – one of these seems pretty obvious; the other may be a little controversial.

Circumstance #1:  You’re in a great relationship; you have great communication; you have a great sex life… but both you and your partner can honestly acknowledge that you thirst sexual variety.  For me, this is an ideal situation for ethical non-monogamy – you agree to certain types of outside the relationship sexual adventure that won’t undermine the emotional dimension of your relationship and may add some sexual spice. My wife and I have gotten into non-monogamy this way.

Circumstance #2: You’re in a relationship that is OK but it is really important that it continue. I’m thinking of a couple that is great with their kids, run their household well, but the sexual spark has dimmed… and it will not be easy to re-ignite that sexual spark.  In this instance, is it ether (i) ok for one or both partners to have a little sexual fun on the side; or (ii) wise for them to try to open up their relationship together to reignite the spark.  This is a tough one.  One the one had, I’m a big believer that if one partner is not willing to give the other partner sex, that other partner should be free to pursue it elsewhere – sex cannot be both so unimportant as to deny it, yet so important as to not allow them to get it elsewhere.  On the other hand, sex is tricky and introducing sexual freedom can be pretty fought.

All-in-all, I’m a pretty big fan of ethical non-monogamy. I hope society catches up.

Everything is About Sex… Except Sex… Sex is About Power (actually its about being needed)

With that cumbersome title, let me get right to the point.  It is an truism that sex permeates our thoughts and our desires and, for better or for worse, guides many of our major life designs.  Thus…the old chestnut –  everything is about sex.

But the corollary to that – except sex… sex is about power. I don’t buy it. Of course there are those who use sex, and they sway over people, as a means to exert power.  More often, tough, I think sex is really a search for intimacy. This is no great revelation, but hear me out.

My theory of the day: we are increasingly disconnected from true intimacy.  We tend to live away from our families, we have busy lives so we have fewer deep friendships, and we live much of our lives online.

The result this isolation…. we feel disconnected from intimacy.   A study came our recently that showed the most common factor in a infidelity is a spouse that feels alone and under-busy.  They seek sex elsewhere because their miss intimacy on their lives.  A friend of mine has considered infidelity many times (he may have done it).  He will claim otherwise but I know, deep down, the reason he is prone to cheating is because he wants to be desired and close to someone… if only for a moment.

Anyways… that;s my thought for the day.

Finding Your Sense of Community

Who is in your community?  To whom do you each out to when you want fun, support, sympathy….

A good friend just spent a long, difficult week with her family.  Her overwhelming feeling was that, despite their history, her family was neither her support network nor her friend/fun network.  And as her kids have gotten a little older and a little more independent, she has been considering where these ‘communities’ exist for her.

A few thoughts we shared as we discussed this:

  1. We decided that, while it is very important to feel a sense of community.  Having people around us that a stimulating, loving, fun and with whom we can share kinship is incredibly important.  More important than I ever would have realized when I was very young.
  2. It is equally important to define you community carefully.  As young parents, it is easy to allow your community to simply become the people in your neighbourhood, fellow parents and extended family. They may not be a community that you have a lot of affinity with, but its easy.  As you attain a little independence from your kids it is, I think, important to decide who you want in your community.  A great deal of your support and enjoyment emanates from these individuals.
  3. It is tough.  Finding a group (or multiple groups) of people that you like, find interesting and can carve out the time to get to know and then see regularly is tough.

After speaking with her, it caused me to reflect on my own community.  I have a lot of friends, but I think I have fallen into some classic traps. As a preface, I don’t want to sound overly negative…. I love my friends and feel lucky to have them. Yet, I feel many/most of my current community are the easy ones that come naturally from a busy family life in an affluent liberal neighbourhood. Our friends are fellow parents and neighbours.  They are nice, interesting, civically minded individuals.  And half the time I really enjoy their company. We have great discussions on politics, education, world affairs, social issues.  But we rarely discuss sex, pop culture, adventure.  I miss this in my life.

Time to expand my community.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep or Would You Have Sex With a Robot?

Once again, the possibility of life-like sex robots is making the news. We’ve heard this before, but this time it seems close – a robotic doll that looks and (kind of) feels like a women that is programmed for our sexual pleasure.  It may not be quite there yet, but imagine a sex doll that actually looks and feels like a women (or a man), interacts with you verbally and physically and performs a whole range of sex acts… from the vanilla to the off-the-chart kinky.

Current models certainly do not live up to this expectation – they seem pretty plastic and the interaction are ridiculously simple and contrived.  But never bet against porn when it comes to innovation.  Humanity’s desire for sex and war have stimulated pretty much every major innovation of the 20th century.  We may not have figured out how to cure cancer or feed the poor, but if the US military industrial complex decides it wants sex-bots, goddamn it, they’ll figure out how to get them.


All this to say… I think we’ll get there. You’re dream android sex toy is just around the corner.

But do we want to get there?

Granted, there is something viscerally appealing about coming home from a hard day at work to a sex-bot in sexy lingerie, beer-in-hand, with no other purpose than to service your every need.  But I fear I’m somehow debasing myself.  While it might brighten my Tuesday evening, I fear it would be killing my soul.

We live in a world where more of our interactions are becoming electronic  and impersonalized.   Sex aside, I worry sometimes that we are not connecting with people as deeply as we used to.  Texting, emails and snap chats seem to be replacing hanging out at the coffee shop.  I don’t think this is a good thing.  As David Rakoff once said, humans are creatures of touch.  We crave connection… true connection.

So… sexbots.  I have nothing against an occasional dalliance with an electronic orgasm-maker.  It might actually be fun.  But if its too good, I fear it may be too tempting as a full-time replacement for the harder-to-attain, but much-more-fulfilling real human connection.

If the sexbots really do realize their spectacular potential will many guys (and girls) simply decide that spending evenings in with the sexbot is more fun (and easier) than getting out to meet real people. This would be sad.