As you prepare for your Saturday evening socializing, if you want to turn the topic of conversation to something a little sexier, consider…
“What do you do to try to stay sexual?” Lives get busy… sex and sexuality becomes harder to fit in. It is fascinating to see and hear about whether people still try to make time to be sexual and how they do it if they do it?
A close friend is celebrating her 43rd birthday this week. She is very (way too) concerned about getting old. At our recent Martini Tuesday (one of our rituals where we have friends over every Tuesday night, after the kids have gone to bed, for martinis – our effort to stay young at heart) she was asking if she is now old and, by implication, unsexy.
It led to a good discussion on what is old. My perspective, for what its worth (some agreed and other did not):
– there are three ages: (i) young, (ii) old and (iii) comfortable; and ‘sexy’ is different for those in each of these ages .
– number of years lived have little to do with being young, old or comfortable.
– (i) ‘young’ is the period in your life when you are still struggling hard to figure out who you are; I work at a university and am surrounded by ‘young’ people. I enjoy seeing them begin to assert themselves, figure themselves out and develop. I like these people, and enjoy seeing them go through this stage of their life… as long as they are progressing toward getting their shit together and maturing (ie. I like 20 year old you people; not so much 35 year old young people). This is a huge generalization but I think the sexiness of young people is most appealing to other young people (aside from an aesthetic appeal).
– (ii) ‘old’ are those who have just given up. They have become cynical in their beliefs, they tend to be pretty negative and they have stopped caring about their appearance. I know tons of 35 year old ‘old’ people. And I know a number of 65 year olds, who are not old. I’ll throw my bias out there – I’m not a fan of old people, in the sense that I am defining ‘old’;
(iii) ‘comfortable’; these are people who are comfortable and confident in themselves and put energy into their lives. You can be any number of years old, but as long as you’re still seeking adventure, putting yourself out there and putting energy into your life… you can be vibrant, sexy and desirable until you drop dead at 102 years old.
My friend… is she getting old? It depends on the day. She can be a lot of fun when she tries, but less frequently than she used to. I fear she may be getting old.. but it has nothing to do with the wrinkles around per eyes or the grey hair that occasionally peeks through on her head.
Many of us live busy lives. Kids, career … that seems to fill more than 24 hours. Add to that friends, hobbies, chores…. Life get busy.
How do we make sure all of this legitimately important stuff doesn’t come at the expense of the relationship and intimacy we want with our partner. My wife and I have all the triggers (busy professional jobs, active pre-teen kids, a home that does not clean itself). At the same time, we place a huge priority on making time for us – to chat, connect, have sex… all the fun stuff in a relationship. Not saying we’re perfect, but here are a few things we’ve learned to do:
1. Mini At-Home Dates: at least one evening a week we’ll hang out together, have a glass of wine and just chat. This will be after the kids go to bed or if they are downstairs watching a movie.
2. Martini Tuesdays – every Tuesday evening (it is an activity-free night for us) we will have another couple over for a drink. We don;t go late – maybe 8-10pm – but it is a good way to stay social with other adult friends.
3. Don’t be embarrassed to schedule – in this day and age, we schedule many elements of our lives, and our days tend to get driven by what’s on our schedule or on our list. We make sure we schedule in evenings out as dates or sexy nights together at home. This doesn’t mean that every time we have sex or a date it is at a preordained time, but we do carve out a minimum of specific time that allows us to make sure we are enjoying each other.
4. Don’t be ashamed to make this a top priority – this underlines all the others. Staying connected with your partner is important to your attitude and well being; it makes you a better parent, a better friend, a better person. Prioritize accordingly.
Have I been wrong about social nudism?
I wrote a post last week on . In that post, I argued that the nudist environments (at least those I have been in) fall into two catigories: sexy naked and non-sexy naked.
In that post I said I didn’t really understand non-sexy nudity. I wasn’t trying to be critical or social nudism, but I have always considered public nudity to have a sexual connotation; in fact one of the things I like about clothing optional resorts is the subtle, flirty sexuality that permeates the environment. In my experience, these sexy/nudist gatherings are sexy and fun but also highly respectful and no more overtly sexual than you want.
My pre-conception of social, non-sexual, nudity has also been a little more negative. In my (very limited) experience with the social nudism community I found the overt effort to suppress sexuality to be a little too aggressive and the vibe to be a little sanctimonious. But, my experience is VERY limited.
So… I see I got a pretty strong response form the social nudism community that has made me think about that movement a bit more.
I now would say I better understand social nudism and why people would be into it. The idea of being free, natural and in touch with nature… I get that. I’m a very avid environmentalist and have worked professionally in that field for a decade. The idea of being natural and naked in our environment, with others who embrace the freedom and ‘nuturalness’ of nudism…. that makes sense. I can also understand how sexualizing that could run counter to the purpose.
So, if I offending anyone in the social nudism community, I apologize.
But I would ask question. Why did I feel an air of anger and aggression when I have been in that social nudism community (and I am 99% sure it is not a vibe I was giving off — I was very respectful and not, in any way, trying to sexualize or change the environment and I have also heard this form others)?
Are you still searching for that special someone? The one you were meant to be with. The one and only.
Is there only one? Most relationships experts will encourage that there is not one person out there for you. There are many who are close enough to the one. As Dan Savage says, there is no one, there are a bunch of .85s, .76s, and .91s and we round them up to one so that we have someone to be with.
So… is there one special person for you. Science (or pseudo science) has come to the rescue and they have an answer. There are 30,043 for you…. if you are a single female, aged 35-45 living in Toronto, Canada. So not one, but also not that many considering Toronto has about 2.5 million people.
Canada’s national newspaper, the Globe and Mail, has created a dating calculator, based on a similar effort by Baltimore-based journalist Amy Web. Using data from the national statistics agency, dating site profiles and some common sense and guestimation, the Globe developed 72 individual characteristics, that when optimized, would create the perfect match. And, when these characteristics were screened through the 2.5 million people in Toronto, using StatsCan data, 30,043 came back as perfect matches.
Interestingly, when Amy Web did the same exercise in Baltimore – albeit using her set of characteristics – she found only 35 people out of Baltimore’s 1.5 million inhabitants to be her perfect match.
So the take home story…. There is no one, there are some. And while it may feel like you are looking for a needle in a haystack, you aren’t. Its more like a mid-sized walnut.