Why the internet needs more porn – and it needs to be much better

Metro

9 photos of new Fifty Shades of Grey star Jamie Dornan topless Why do male porn actors never look like THIS? (Picture: Calvin Klein)

By all accounts we are all a bunch of wankers.

Roughly 94 per cent of London men and 66 per cent of women watch porn (presumably the missing 33 per cent of ladies are too busy reading 50 Shades knock-offs).

Porn has become part of everyone’s sex ‘education’ – although we shouldn’t patronisingly assume viewers can’t tell the difference between acting and real life (if you think the average skin flick features genuine female orgasms you are definitely still a virgin or simply rather dreadful in bed).

Still, porn is influencing real sex lives – from daft expectations about pubic hair to unrealistic sex acts themselves.

So why does the internet need more porn? Essentially because the majority is boring, sexist crap that is not only misinforming people, young and old, about sex but arguably putting lives in…

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Sex-Positive Parenting

Relationships

This Is What Sex-Positive Parenting Really Looks Like

The above article is a fantastic read! As a future parent I hope I can be so cool and collected about sex with my kids. How my parents treated my fascination with sex as a kid still affects me, sometimes I still feel like I’m doing something wrong when I have sex and I’m 22! I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and I consider him to be the one that took my virginity so by most standards I’m doing this ‘right’ but I still feel guilty about it. It’s not just weird for me because of my past rape and abuse but because, as a child, I remember getting yelled at for touching myself and exploring my body, probably because it freaked my parents out and they didn’t know what to do. I mean they probably thought their little girl was…

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Cheating and Kids

I read an interesting stat recently that couples with children are twice as likely to commit adultery as couples without children (http://bit.ly/1rV38L0).

I found this a little surprising, naively or romantically thinking that the responsibility to the family and the bond created by kids might suppress urges to wander.

But then I looked into the reasons and it made more sense. According to those surveyed, couples with children:
– have less time together and therefore less time to connect;
– have less time for sex and
– begin to see one another as mommy and daddy rather than sexual partners.

All of this makes sense. When you have kids (we do) it certainly takes a dedicated effort to both have time for the ‘couples’ part of our relationship – both sex and intimacy. It also takes some deliberate though to make sure you are continuing to think of your partner as a source of fun and sexuality, not just a partner in responsible child rearing.

I can confidently say, we have avoided the pitfalls that could have lead us to infidelity… but it took work. Some tips that have helped us:
– we have always carved out time for just us – date nights, couples time, time with other adults (kidless)
– we continue to see each other as sexy and sexual. Part of this is staying in shape but another part of staying interesting for the other person. We will regularly listen to podcasts for the purpose of finding interesting discussion topics that allow us to chat and connect on topics beyond the day-to-day
– we acknowledge, and celebrate, lustful feeling toward others. It is absolutely inevitable you will find other people sexy. Rather than hide it, we enjoy talking about it and turning it into fantasy.

It is a very good wake up call for all of us parents, that fidelity is tenuous. We need to work for it.

If You Were Invisible…

Have you ever had that conversation… would you rather be invisible or able to fly?

I have had this discussion a few times, with friends at a dinner party or over beers. Typically, people feel that if you choose flight, this means you are free, open adventurous spirit. Wanting to be invisible, on the other hand, means you are underhanded and sneaky.

I just finished the book Fade – a pretty good book and one that I would recommend – and it has a different take on invisibility. The premise of the book is that the main character can ‘fade’ – turn himself invisible. He initially thinks of the power as a fun way to spy on friends or follow a girl he has a crush on.

The story – and his power – soon take a deeper meaning. What do you really see when you are invisible? You see what people are like when no one is watching.

And this is where this discussion – would you like to be invisible? – gets interesting. Do you want to be able to see what people are like when no one is watching?

Do you really want to know how much porn your neighbour watches. Or how angry he or she gets with her children when no one is around? When we carefree from our ‘social contract’ that requires us to behave within society, what are we really like, and would you like to be able to see what others are like.

I sure wouldn’t.

A Bad Moment for a Dad

I remember when I was about 25, living with a roommate in Toronto. We were walking down the street and we saw 3 teenage girls in school uniforms. He made a sexual comment and I told him he was a disgusting dirty old man. He said “just wait… it will happen to you”.

Fast forward 15 years, I have two preteen daughters. The other night my wife and I were walking to a restaurant in a hip part of town. Ahead of us, so we could only see them from behind, were a man and woman. He had greying hair and she had the shortest skirt and sexy long legs.

I commented to my wife on her sexy legs and skirt. My wife a smiled and said “as long as XXX [our daughter] doesn’t want one like it”. Sure enough, when the ‘couple’ turns around, it is a father and daughter and she is about 15 years old. I was very embarrassed.

Would You Let Someone Watch?

Kinsey had said that all of us have some combination of voyeurism and exhibitionism within us. A (completely true) story I heard recently tested the limits.

Friends of ours – a couple – were at a party at a cottage. Everyone was drinking a fair bit and the conversation turned to sex – as it often seems to when people’s inhibitions come down. Near the end of the evening, these friends were talking to another girl, who they knew a bit, but not well.

As my friends were getting ready to go to bed, the girl they were talking to asked if they were going to have sex. My friends, who are certainly not prudes but probably don’t tend to share their sex scheduled with near strangers, said “yeah… probably”. The girl’s eyes lit up and she asked “Can I watch. I promise I’ll be really quiet”. They said their first reaction was to say no way, but being a little drunk and having just been talking about sex, the agreed. They said they were a little nervous when they got to their room (him, in particular), but they decided to try to pretend she wasn’t there.

When they got to their room, the girls was still really keen, but they said they were a little nervous. They decided to juts pretend she wasn’t there and have sex like normal. And that is how it started. They got undressed, got in bed and started fooling around. At first, they didn’t even look over at the girl, but as they got into it they peeked. Her eyes were glued on them and she was kind of touching herself through her clothes. My friend – the woman of the couple – said that when she saw this it brought something out in her she didn’t know existed. She was so turned on, seeing this girl watching them, that it immediately triggered one of the most intense orgasms she had ever had.

Obviously, the girl knew what had happened and she started to laugh. This broke the slight tension in the room. The girl kept her word and stayed quiet, but apparently she took this as a green light to enjoy herself a bit more. She stripped off her clothes and masturbated openly as she watched them.

When they all finished, everyone was completely comfortable and they all agreed they had a great time. They have done similar things with her since, and even ramped it up a bit.

It made me wonder, if my wife and I were in that situation, what would we do?