Sex Every Day? Is It As Good As It Sounds?

ImageI have been reading a few blogs from people in the “365 days of sex” or the ’31 days of sea’ regimes, where they have set a goal to have sex every day for either a month of a year.

Exhausting.

My impression is that, while the theory of sex everyday sounds great, in practice it is more work than fun. On the upside, it seems to help prioritize sex. On the downside, and this seems pretty steep, sex seems to become just another chore that has to be fit in. I sometimes wonder, in these cases, if the scheduled sex is just as stressful and straining as the scheduled everything else that had been preventing sex in the first place.

To be clear, I am not saying that daily sex is a bad thing.  It is great – awesome, orgasmic, fantastic –  for the couples who really want it and have the time for it.  But this is a minority.

So what am I saying… For couples who are having really infrequent sex, ramping up to daily, even for a limited period, is just too much.  Life is legitimately busy and many of the non-sex things that keep us busy are legitimately important.  Trying to fit in sex every single day, in these cases, can cause more stress than it alleviates.  It also, I believe over compensates for the – very legitimate – desire to fix the problem of no sex.

So an alternative…

An orgasm a day.

I believe that sexuality begets sexuality.  One of the reasons people stop having sex is they forget how good it feels to have it and they acclimatize to a life absent stimulation, joy and feelings of exhilaration.  Having an orgasm every day reminds you that sex feels good and is worth the effort of fitting into your life.

So… an orgasm each day – alone of with partner.  Here is why I like it:  you feel sexual stimulation everyday and, as I said, I believe sexuality begets more sexuality.  Even if many of your orgasms are initially alone, as long as both of you are doing it, it will make you feel more sexual and more likely to start to desire more sex together.  This will lead to more sex, because you want more sex and not just because it is on the agenda. You will slowly re-prioritize and balance your life.

The cynic will think – but what if this just leads to a pattern where you stay busy and fit in a quick wank or rub every day. You’re still never having sex – your just masturbators who cross in the hallway as you throw out your kleenex.  Maybe.  But if you are getting off every day and still have no desire to have sex with your partner, your problem is not sex… your problem is your relationship.

So, all you busy folks, before you go to bed tonight promise me one thing… rub one out.

 

 

Grooming for Sex – The Sex is Fun Files

images-28I have been listening to old episodes of the podcast Sex is Fun; partially because I like the podcast, but also to get new ideas for blogs.  SiF episode #2 was on grooming for sex.

It seems hard to believe, but 15 years ago I don’t think I even knew what ‘grooming for sex’ meant.  I knew women would trim their bikini line, but beyond that – brazilians, landing strips, manscaping – outside of porn, I had no idea they existed in the ‘real’ world.

I remember the first time a female friend confided in me that she shaved herself bare ‘down there’. It had been a fantasy of her boyfriends, so one evening in the bathtub she just went for it.  When I told my wife about it, her reaction was typical of the time — the idea of a bare pussy was too prepubescent. And for a man to mess around with his public hair – no way.

But times have changed.  I think.  I would certainly admit that the only people with whom I discuss genital grooming are pretty sexually open, but sexual grooming seems the norm now.  Almost all of my female friends do very considerable grooming. Female friends who are swingers are pretty much all fully shaved.  ‘Vanilla’ female friends pretty much all groom and have zero to little hair.

Men are a little different. I still no plenty of guys who do not groom. I got a text during a very important work meeting I was in, from an old colleague. It was marked URGENT, so I stepped out; the text: “I am at lunch with X and Y (female colleagues) and they are appalled that I don’t manscape — do you???”. To the extent I have spoken with guy fiends about manscaping, it seems that most of the guys do.

So, how about all of you.  Where do you stand on the male or female grooming – are you bear, a little hair or in full bloom?

Banana Peanut Butter Cup Overnight Oats (Vegan)

amazing breakfast

They Call Me Storm

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 Banana
  • 1/3 Cup Raw Old Fashioned Oats
  • 1/2 – 1 Tablespoon Chia Seeds (depends on how thick you want it. For a thicker result, use more chia seeds).
  • 1 Tablespoon Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
  • 1 Tablespoon Peanut Butter
  • Protein Powder (optional)
  • 1/2 Cup Unsweetened Almond Milk (or coconut milk)

Method:

  • Mash the 1/2 Banana in a large bowl until smooth
  • Add the rest of the ingredients to the bowl
  • Mix until combined
  • Cover and store in the refrigerator overnight
  • In the morning, stir and top with whatever you like! This could be more peanut butter, nuts, shredded coconut, 1/2 a sliced banana, other fruit, pure maple syrup, etc.

I love these oats because they’re really easy and super fast when you wake up starving in the morning. I also found them to be really filling (and DELICIOUS!) Here is a picture I took of mine (I chose to top…

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Masturbation – the Sex Is Fun files

ImageI have just started to re-listen to an old podcast – Sex Is Fun – and thought I would start to blog on some of the themes they explored in their podcast. 

For those who have not listened to Sex Is Fun, it is a very casual, informative, discussion between four friends in Minnesota (I think) on how to de-stigmatize sex and make the act and discussion of sex ‘fun’.  They focused discussions around a specific topic each week and, in a pretty/semi-informed way, act as sex educators and discussants on the topic.  Their strength is the openness with which they share personal experience and opinions on every sexual topic possible.  The weakness, if you consider it a weakness, is they really don’t have a lot of formal education or deep knowledge on what they talk about.  But take it for what it is… it is provocative, an interesting discussion and good fun.

Episode #1 was on masturbation.  For my posts, I am not going to recap their show (you really should listen to it) but just share my thoughts on the topic.  So… masturbation.  

Since I began sexual blogging, I have though a fair bit about masturbation, and despite long thoughts and many discussions, my a lot of reflection and many conversation, my thinking comes down only three points:

1.  It is an essential part of a person’s sexual discovery and sex life. Masturbation is essential to getting to know yourself sexually and, as your sex life matures, masturbation is an important way to get sexual gratification when you are without a partner or when your partner is not wanting sex when you are

2. You can overdo it.  Like any pleasurable activity (eating, watching TV), masturbation can become too important in your life.  We all need to self awareness to realize if masturbation is playing too large a role in our lives.  Is it preventing us form doing other things that we should be doing to lead a balanced, productive life.

3. Those who think masturbation is wrong have a warped and harmful view of sexuality… and I make a distinction between those who think masturbation is wrong for them and those who categorically believe that masturbation is wrong.  It is legitimate to say that, for person X, masturbation is wrong because they cannot keep it in perspective. But to believe that masturbation is wrong for everyone… this is nuts.

So.. masturbation – do it, don’t overdo it, but you’re nuts if you don’t do it.  That’s it. 

What Feminists Look Like

ImageWhat do you think of when you hear the word ‘feminist’?  For me, to be honest, the term had always come with a lot of fairly negative connotations – militant, narrow angry. While this would not describe every feminist (or even most) I had feminism had moved beyond women begin treated equally, to an angrier movement. But hearing Kelly Broderick Martin interviewed on Tristan Taoromino’s podcast Sex Out Loud really changed my perspective.  

Kelly Broderick Martin is a self-described feminist who was subject to cruel cyber bullying a couple years ago, when someone took her image (she is a heavy woman with short hair) and placed it on Facebook with the caption “This is what a feminist looks like — we thought so” (i.e.: heavy, butch…).  Instead of becoming angry, Kelly started the Tumblr site: We Are What Feminists Look Like (http://wearewhatfeministslooklike.tumblr.com) inviting men and women to submit photos of themselves holding signs saying “This is what  feminist looks like”.  

The result: On the surface, it is hundreds (thousands?) of photos of men and women of all different appearances and walks of lives submitting photos of themselves as examples of “what a feminist looks like”.  At a more meaningful level, it is re-redefining the term feminists, back to a broader, more inclusive concept that really is about equality and acceptance.  The two things that really struck me during the discussion between Kelly Broderick Martin and  Tristan Taoromino were: (i) there are still many ways that society discriminates against women and having people watching out of this and activating against it is a good thing; (ii) the angry man-hating caricature of the feminist is way overblown.  

Am I a feminist?  I suppose so, although it is certainly not my pet or principal cause.  Do I like feminists? Absolutely – they are a critical piece of our social fabric and I am glad that there are committed people – men and women – looking out for equality.  

The Passing of a Family Pet

ImageOur family pet passed away recently.  The death was extremely unexpected. She was a bird – a conure – and she was suppose to live 15-25 years, but due to a heart defect, died after 7 months. It was our first pet and our youngest daughter, in particular, had become extremely close to her.  

While sad for all of us, it has been extremely interesting seeing how my children responded. The reaction of our 12 year old daughter was pretty predictable.  She is a mature, but somewhat aloof child.  While she was saddened, she focussed her energy on making sure her sister was ok and, in all honesty, was not overly affected by the ordeal.  

Our youngest daughter – 10 – was a different story. She is a very socially-adept, empathetic child.  Her relationship with the pet was uncanny.  She was an amazing pet owner – loving, responsible, super-attentive.  She read the pet bedtime stories every night.  Not just for the first few days, but every night for the 7 months we had the pet. She was absolutely grief-stricken when the bird died (a heart attack while sitting on her shoulder). But the way she handled it has been fascinating and, as a parent, makes me very proud and confident in her future ability to enter into relationships.  She has been almost a text book case in dealing with grief.  Over the past 72 hours, we have seen

– an honest, emotional, gut-wrenching display of grief – she cried for almost 4 hours, first as we drove her to the vet, hoping she was just sick, and then home that evening. 

– a really mature acceptance that pets dies and this is part of the circle of life even as she was feeling so badly about it they are studying biodiversity in school and she said she knows animals have to die so they can be food for other animals

– fear of moving on – when we buried the bird and took down the bird cage, she said “we are giving up too easily” and felt we were moving the bird out of our lives too quickly. She was amazing, in knowing we had to do those things but also knowing she wanted to keep her pet close to her as long as she could.

– balancing grief and positive memories – from the first night, she has been sad but also able and keen to talk about all of the good memories and favourite moments they had together.

We will all miss our pet, but none more than our youngest daughter.  While I am sad, i could not be more proud of how she is handling this. I am sure I am reading way too much into it, but right now, while I am sad about our loss I feel really, really good about the person my daughter is becoming.

Sexy Board Games – Am I The Only Geek Out There?

Unknown-4I just ordered (another) sexy board game – 7 Deadly Sins.  Dorky, right?

One of our (my wife and I) semi-regular date night activities is staying home, after the kids are in bed, and playing a sexy broad game. These games usually involve some combination of sexual trivia and/or sexual discussion and activities.  We think it is a fun way to spice things up home and draw out a sexy evening.

We have always thought it would be fun to play some of these games with friends (we would do the sexual trivia and discussion games,  but maybe not the sexual acts parts), but we have had a hard time identifying friends who would be into this.

Why?

As anyone who reads my blog knows, I am pretty comfortable talking about sex and am perplexed that it is such a difficult topic for so many people.  In fact, I love talking about sex.

But, vis these games, here is what I find:

– our ‘vanilla’ friends would view these games as too much.  They love to discuss sex when it comes up organically. That said, they are still uptight about sex and I think they would consider a sexy game too ‘overt’ and would be embarrassed playing it because it is too open an admission that they are into sex

– our ‘swingerish’ friends think this is too PG. I admit that I do not have a huge circle of swinger friends, but when I have discussed this dilemma with the few swinger friends I have, there reaction is:  why not just get on with the sex.

So, my questions remains…. are we total geeks for liking sex, but wanted to engage in discussion and tittilation through these admittedly dorky board games?